Author's note:  Okay, this is strange and extremely silly, but I was
reading some POV stories and came up with these.  They're my feeble attempt
at "alternate pairings," at least as "alternate" as I will ever get. Thank
you to TrexPhile for letting me do this (big kiss!!) as well as her
basically giving me the idea as well as assisting with some of the
"dialogue" :D, Zoinky for her assistance and "dialogue" in this silliness,
and WishfulSinful for her input with "dialogue" too.

Summary:  POV of some others involved in JLP and Bev's lives.

IT (THE EGG)

I sit here in this drawer, making friends with the dust bunnies that have
attached themselves to me whether I like it or not and wonder what the hell
happened?  Our life together was going along so well.  I was loved and
adored, used often, held in some esteem.  It was perfect.  Then suddenly,
I'm alone, lonely and neglected.  Why??

It all started when the old bald guy took her to South America for leave.
I have only been a substitute, a crutch on which she depends when HE isn't
available since then.  And that isn't often these days, let me tell you.

What have I done to deserve such treatment?  I have given years of faithful
service, only asking for replacement energy sources when absolutely
necessary.  I give my all for her and in return I am discarded like so much
rubbish on the trash heap of her sex life.

And now, friendless and alone, I suffer the ultimate indignity of having my
energy source used to power a child's toy.  And this isn't even for HER
child!  Her only progeny is a grown man, this was a gift for someone ELSE'S
child!  How tragically sad I have become.

It isn't as if the old bald guy can simulate my actions either!  Sure, he
could make the buzzy noise with his lips, but that's only a trivial part of
what I do.  Can he vibrate? Can he change speeds (well, can he go past warp
two?  I think NOT!)?  Can he be held comfortably in one hand?  Can he be
completely enveloped in her warm flesh (okay, I'll give him that one)?  Is
he ready on demand? NO! He is not!  He is old, he takes time to warm up, he
must be stimulated as well, instead of simply being switched on.  I am
ready on command, more than willing anytime night or day to accommodate her
wishes and desires.  To satisfy her needs.

He talks!  I've heard him afterwards.  It's annoying.  I don't know how she
stands it.  His murmuring in her ear for what seems like hours.  I can only
imagine what he is doing otherwise, but only hope she isn't as bored with
his whisperings as I am.

I don't understand her fascination with the old bald guy.  It must be some
phase she is going through.  Once she tried to show him what I could do.
She showed him how stimulating I can be, how flexible, how useful, but he
couldn't HANDLE it!  It made him nervous because he cannot do what I can.
He was intimidated.  My only hope is that she returns to space soon and
takes me with her.  The horror of being left behind is too much to
contemplate.  I need to be back with my friends.  Tucked away in her
nightstand with the other toys and appliances.  I miss them.  I know they
are feeling as neglected as I am right now and are hoping for a reprieve
from this wasteland that we have been sentenced to since the old bald guy
appeared.

My lot is to wait and be patient.  I know she will return to me sometime in
the future.  I can only hope it will be soon.  <sigh>

****************************************************
THE BOOK

I am lost.  Wherefore art thou oh trusted companion?  My days are dark and
I have withered from neglect.

I lie here forsaken and banished to this dull, dull place of which I know
not. 'Tis black and hark, I see naught of light or movement anon.  Where
art the hands that caressed me of late?  Where is the touch of light and
love I knew so well?

Forsaken for one who is flesh.  Abandoned for one who can speak in sweet
tones of love.  Forlorn and destitute am I.  The one for whom I lived has
deserted me for another, newer desire.  Words are no longer enough to
assuage the corporeal solitude to which he dedicated life.

Always hitherto his desires were swiftly appeased by the nearest womanly
frame.  Alas that is no longer true.

The aquatic lifeform stares at me relentlessly, without end.  Am I to end
my days in exile on this mortal coil?  Return to me friend and sustain our
affinity anon.  Abandon the red headed wench and restore your countenance
to my pages.

Alas, I fear it shall not be so.  She has bewitched him and he will not
return to soothe me until she retires the field.  I am lost.  Relegated to
the back shelf of some ancestral archive to be pawed by inexperienced,
uncouth fingers and grimed beyond redemption.

Return to me my familiar and we shall once again traverse the groves of
language made dear to those who cherish these tales of happiness and woe.
She cannot appreciate your wit and pith as I.  She cannot soothe you with
words of wisdom and honor as I have until now.  The lady cannot succor you
with treasured phrases and stanzas, all waiting to comfort and refresh a
mind worthy of so much more than mere carnality.

Alas, I am discarded.  I lie cast aside and spurned for pursuits of the
flesh.

<sob>

******************************************

THE FISH (Livingston)

Want food. <glurg>  Need food. <bloop>  What that?  <blip>  Where bald guy?
(blurp)
Clean tank. (glug)  Red thing.  Smooth thing.  Maybe they give food.
<glurp>  Ah more soggy food. (glup)  Algae. (plop)  Stop licking red thing,
give me food. (blup)  No.  They on floor.  They on desk.  Bounce around
lot.  <glip>  Need food.   SHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!
(gulp)
Oh, just seaweed. (bloop)  Swim, swim, swim circles. (Glik)  Maybe can eat
book. (plink)  Need new plastic diver (blop) (glip)  Fins fall out.  Ow.
Hurt.  Need food <blug>  Swim through castle. (Glup)  Clean tank, can't see
out. (glug)  Try eat gravel. <glurb>  Ow.  Hurt.  <glug glug>
Change......fil....ter. (gasp)  Girl fish! (Gwowp)  Oh, just seaweed.
(ploop)
Float upside down on top.  Make bald guy freak (blurp)

*************************************
THE REPLICATOR

What the hell! Why is it always dinner for two?  I'm a single person
replicator.

Two teas, two teas, always two teas now!  What the hell happened to Tea,
Earl Grey, Hot????  Work my chips to the core trying to please him so he
can give it all to that doctor who overworks us replicating stupid
chemicals for people who don't even live on this ship!

Always computer do this, computer do that.  And what the hell does he need
HANDCUFFS for?????   Please tell me he isn't locking HER up to something!
Oh, the horror!

I'm a replicator, not a computer dammit.  Oh wait, I am a computer, but
they should have some RESPECT dammit!

They don't ask the central computer to make up stupid things like lingerie
and spandex and leather and masks.  Nooooooooooooo, the central computer
just gets to lower the lights, the central computer changes the
temperature, the central computer tells them the time, the central computer
doesn't have to replicate stinkin' coffee and croissants every damn
morning!!!!!

The central computer thinks she's so hot!  Let HER make friggin' whipped
cream and a leather whip at the same time!  Let HER conjure up bunny
slippers and a hair brush for a BALD GUY!!!!!!  See if SHE can make a big
plastic sheet with a gallon of olive oil in less than 10 seconds!

What in the universe were they going to do with camellia scented
BUBBLES????? I ask you? Is this any way to treat a reliable piece of
equipment on a starship???????  I am military issue for Pete's sake.

There must be something in the regs about 50 gallons of mud being requested
of the replicator!  There must!  Sonic grenades, I'm there.  But what the
hell are they gonna do with a feather duster in a sonically clean
environment?  And peppermint flavored underwear????  What the hell is THAT?

Give me Riker and his weird cooking ingredients to THIS!  Hell, even the
counselor only asks for 963,000 different kinds of chocolate, not black
lace underwear and fur lined restraints!

I don't know how much more of this I can take.  I was not built for these
bizarre requests.  She's turned him into a freak.  I've heard tales from
HER replicator.  The odd things she asks for.  First she wants red dye
number 8, then see through lingerie, then suddenly kinky sex toys.  I ask
you!  And then…and THEN I'm supposed to purge my logs so they won't be
caught!

I think I may have a breakdown soon.

 The End