BY: WishfulSinful
CODES: STNG, P/Cish, Data, 1/1
RATING: PG-13
ARCHIVE:  If you really want to
FEEDBACK:  What the heck
DISCLAIMER: Do you think I’d abuse the characters like this if I owned
them?

Author's Note: Bevster made me do it, that’s all I’m sayin’

Summary:  Yet another POV from the others in P & C's lives.
 

DATA
 

To: Commander Riker
From: Commander Data
Stardate: XXXXXX
Re: Ship-wide Vandalism Investigation, Conclusions
 

Over the past twenty-four days, I have logged over eighteen separate
instances of damage to equipment on the Enterprise. Per your request, I
have conducted a thorough investigation of these incidents. I am
certain you will find my conclusions most interesting.

A system-wide analysis of crew movements revealed that in seventeen of
these instances, both Captain Picard and Doctor Crusher were
simultaneously in the vicinity of the equipment immediately prior to
its malfunction. According to my calculations, the odds of this being
mere coincidence are close to zero.

I have interviewed both the captain and the doctor regarding their
whereabouts. Initially they both denied being present at the time of
the malfunctions. When presented with the evidence (the computer logs,
her communicator, his pip and a small unidentified vibrating mechanical
device replicated by Dr. Crusher that I found Spot playing with
yesterday) they provided several stories to explain the damage.

I admit that it is possible that Dr. Crusher slipped on a bar of soap
in the shower. And Admiral Hansen is certainly large enough to have
damaged both the chair in the captain's ready room and the one on the
battle bridge. And it is conceivable that a sudden stop in the
turbolift could have thrown Dr. Crusher against the instrument panel
with such force that her communicator became lodged there.

However, I cannot imagine what type of medical attention the captain
required that caused his pip to become embedded in the fabric of the
biobed. Nor do I understand how Dr. Crusher's palm print became
imprinted on the bridge console. The amount of force with which the
console was struck would indicate a state of intense emotional arousal.

Intrigued by these inconsistencies, I consulted the replicator logs for
the captain's and the doctor's quarters. My analysis revealed a five
hundred percent increase in combined usage over the past two months,
including a three hundred percent increase in requests for food items,
a seventy percent increase in requests for cleaning products and a
seven hundred percent increase in requests for undergarments.

At this point, I could no longer dispute Geordi's theory that the
captain and doctor were "boinking like rabbits". There is no other
logical explanation for this set of highly unusual circumstances.

To confirm my findings, I interfaced with the ship's main computer. I
have logged over forty hours of testimony on behalf of the various
complainants. Transcripts from my interface with the biobed (Interface
Transcript 3, referenced as IT 3), the turbolift (IT 9), the bridge
console (IT 11) and the jeffries tube (IT 10) are attached.

Based on my investigation, it is my recommendation that Dr. Crusher and
Captain Picard undergo thorough physical and psychological examinations
and be confined to sick bay until we are able to conclusively identify
and eradicate the cause of the recent madness that has overcome them.

# end report #